new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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