Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
