Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
