Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
