they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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