I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
