Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
me + whiskey = a bad person
my poor anus
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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