her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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