pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
