Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
