the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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