Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
