I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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