I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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