it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
