wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
