I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
