just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
