You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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