nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
