this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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