highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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