So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
