Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
