I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
