I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
