just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
