I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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