I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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