Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
