someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
