Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
