so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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