i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
