He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
