The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
