I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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