whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
