Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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