OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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