I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
