I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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