You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
how drunk are you?
Several
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
