im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
A+ Viking dick
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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