He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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