im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
