my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
