my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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