when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
