I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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