Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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