Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
